Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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