I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
