Will you blow on my dice?
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
