my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What a dumb baby whore.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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