I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
