I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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