When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
