Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
