whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
