I never want to see another naked old woman again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Randomize
