why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
