I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
is that a dick in a sweater?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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