I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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