i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
