my shit smells like andre
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
