you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
