I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
