after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
