I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
