We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
