Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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