I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
