life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
should my penis look like a turkey
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
