i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
