just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
