I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
