I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
