I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
