i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
