im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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