Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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