i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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