I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
