Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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