Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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