sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
