i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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