I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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