I wish I only lived at night.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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