I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
