did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
