So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
