So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
