dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
