Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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