i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Pinterest knows Iām getting divorced
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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