So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
