She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
