i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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