My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
People in love make me want to vomit
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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